Retirement 

    The ideal scenario of how retirement would look ran through my head for close to a year before retirement actually became reality. In my mind retirement had two scenes. The first would be me lying on the couch reading a book ALL DAY LONG! The second would be me in my large and organized sewing room making all kinds of crafts and bags and quilts. 

     Then there is the reality of how retirement really looks. I read, but mostly during the night; late, late night. I sew, but mostly in a frenzy meeting a deadline I may or may not have set for myself. What I do in retirement is extremely rewarding in a very different way. It's not about me and what I envisioned my retirement life to be three years ago. It's about creating a place of love, creativity, and fun my grandkids can enjoy. I most often am awake by 8:15 AM. My grandkids are often at my house by 9:00 AM. I spend the days taking them around town for appointments. Putting them in the bathtub to wash off the sand from the sand box. Pushing them in the tree swing for what seems like hours. Finding something in the refrigerator they will eat that isn't terrible for their body. Listening to their arguments without intervening so they learn to resolve conflict on their own. Admiring their accomplishments and creations with genuine appreciation. My days are full of love and giggles, and complete joy  that I have the time to enjoy my babies! 

Things We Should Do vs. Things We Want To Do

     There is always a list in my brain of things I should be doing, another list of what I want to be doing, and a list of things I regret not doing. On occasion I have even made a hard copy of the first two lists. They are long and quickly become overwhelming and depressing. 
     The list of what I should do consists mostly of cleaning the house. I hate this list! I'm a master at avoidance and this list is rarely completed unless we have guests coming to our home! I wash clothes when I don't have any clean clothes to wear. Seriously. 
     The list of what I want to be doing is also very long and rarely gets anything checked as being completed. This is because I feel guilty that I haven't finished any of the tasks on my Should Do list. How can I do things I WANT to do when I haven't finished any of the tasks on my SHOULD DO list? 
     Then, there is the list of regrets. I regret I didn't clean out that cobbler dish right away, because now I have an army of ants chowing down in my kitchen. I regret my lack of good housekeeping because I am ashamed to have unexpected visitors. God calls me to be hospitable, but I can't be with a messy house. Having friends over is much more of a chore than it should be because I have to clean the house first. I cringe at the thought of the unfinished quilt for my daughter, because I promised it to her and to myself a long time ago. This list is longer than both of the other two combined. 
      Basically, I live my life imprisoned by my own laziness. I blame technology, or rather my addiction to it. Reading a book on my computer can obliterate any desire to get off of the couch to complete anything on any of my lists. The book must be finished! I have read until 5:00 in the morning. Which of course then requires me sleeping until 10:00 the next day. Which means I start the next day behind and I'm so tired I can't function well enough to be productive. I can easily spend 2 hours on Pinterest pinning things I have yet to actually make. I have 90 some boards and follow 71 people. I read Facebook posts for hours, all to avoid my lists. 
     The thing is I hate to plan. When I plan, it is a sure thing I will fail. I won't be able to accomplish everything I planned and the feeling of failure is too hard. My doctor would say, "What are you, five?" Why am I acting like a five year old, saying I'm afraid of failing? It is an ongoing struggle, but I am making progress. I stop reading when it is time to go to bed. I wash that dish right away. I refuse to sleep in, no matter what time I made it to bed the night before (or morning). When I fail, it's not the end of the world. I start fresh the next day. 

Grace and Love

     There is a little first grader at my school that I adore! He isn't the most well behaved child. He may well be the cutest kid, though. English is his second language. He often says things that make me smile. 
     Often times he is the reason his teacher has more gray hairs today than yesterday. He is impulsive. He has a very strict code of what is right and wrong- based solely upon whether it is good for him! He cracks me up! 
      I've had this green dinosaur for about 2 months that my little friend loves! I have waffled back and forth about whether I should give it to him on the last day of school. Yesterday, my friend got into my treasure box without permission and I seriously thought about not giving the dinosaur to him at all. When I was making my husband's lunch this morning I decided I would give it to my friend. I wasn't giving it to him because he has been so good and followed my rules. I want to give it to him because I love him. I want him to be happy. I want him to know he is loved even though he isn't always perfect. 
       A few minutes after I made this decision, I began my devotional from Girlfriends in God. Would you believe it was about how God loves us even though we constantly mess up? That He offered His Son to suffer my punishment of death in order that I could be free? God is so completely awesome! 

Light

     Our house is dark. It feels like whatever light is in the room slinks back into the walls and never gives light to the rest of the room. We have several night lights around the house and yet, many times, it is still so dark I can't see my hand in front of my face. 

     That's how my Christianity shines a lot of days. I have a light inside me. It is supposed to shine for the world to see Christ in me. But, I cover it up with my actions. A snippy word here, a bit of sarcastic attitude there, a general complaining demeanor everywhere. 

     My thinking in the morning is that I WILL represent Christ well today. Then life happens and it is so easy to let small incidents make Christ not shine in my life. 

      How will I represent today? 

Past vs. Future

     I learned something about myself yesterday that both surprised and saddened me. Two of my friends shared with me how pleased they are with my demeanor these days. Apparently, I used to be very critical, snippy, intimidating and I guess generally not nice. They like the me I am now. At first I thought it must be the tiny little pill I take every morning to make the synapses in my brain connect more efficiently. (anti-anxiety). Then this morning while reading my devotional about  when God called him to go back to Egypt to talk to Pharaoh, I realized it is not the effect of those tiny pills. It is that point a few years back that all of the rhetoric of Christianity began to be real in my life. God saved me when I was eight. I went through the motions of Christianity for most of my life. I went to church, taught Sunday School, led bible studies, and have listened to thousands of messages from Godly men. What I realized is that until a few years ago, that's what I did, go through the motions. God made this change in me. Not medicine, not friends, not my husband, GOD made me different. 

Change

      I'm not a fan of change. When I was 15 years old my mother bought a microwave. They were relatively new things at the time. For several months I refused to use the microwave. I preferred the oven. It had been just fine for us for my whole life. I still prefer the oven. Though I will use the microwave if the job warrants it! 

       Teachers are very familiar with change. Every year things change. Often, things change mid-year. Teachers retire, change schools, move grades, and some even change careers. Every year I think ahead to what it might be like next year with that teacher gone or that other teacher in a different grade. 

       It's easy to begin to worry about next year. What if the new teacher is not so good? What if they are not a team player? What if a teacher was a fantastic 5th grade teacher and they are awful at teaching 3rd grade? 

        Or, I could think of it as an opportunity to start fresh. To meet a new friend. I could think of it as God putting someone new in my world for me to share Christ. It's kind of a glass half full thing. 

        How do I choose to face the new, different, and unwanted change? 

When the Unthinkable Happens

           The thing that your mind refuses to imagine ever happening to you. Or, worse, your mind imagines it ALL the time! What do you do when it actually happens? Do you freak? Scream? Cry? All of the above?

           That thing happened to a friend of mine yesterday. She went to do some chores at her mom's house and found her mother, gone from earth. 

           It's one of those things that we  fear and at the same time don't want to imagine. If you live with an elderly parent or live close, this might be your biggest fear. It is mine. When my mom comes to visit, I am constantly imagining I'll find her gone when I get home from work or in the morning when I go to wake her.

            God tells us not to fear. When I take myself down from the edge and really think about God's promises, I realize that if she were to go when she is with me, she was with people who loved her. (She lives in a nursing home.) So it is the perfect place for her to meet God. 

              

              It's then that I realize the fear is not for her, it's about me. About how I am going to feel when I find her gone. How that event will change me. I'm afraid I won't represent Christ with my actions and feelings.