There is always a list in my brain of things I should be doing, another list of what I want to be doing, and a list of things I regret not doing. On occasion I have even made a hard copy of the first two lists. They are long and quickly become overwhelming and depressing.
The list of what I should do consists mostly of cleaning the house. I hate this list! I'm a master at avoidance and this list is rarely completed unless we have guests coming to our home! I wash clothes when I don't have any clean clothes to wear. Seriously.
The list of what I want to be doing is also very long and rarely gets anything checked as being completed. This is because I feel guilty that I haven't finished any of the tasks on my Should Do list. How can I do things I WANT to do when I haven't finished any of the tasks on my SHOULD DO list?
Then, there is the list of regrets. I regret I didn't clean out that cobbler dish right away, because now I have an army of ants chowing down in my kitchen. I regret my lack of good housekeeping because I am ashamed to have unexpected visitors. God calls me to be hospitable, but I can't be with a messy house. Having friends over is much more of a chore than it should be because I have to clean the house first. I cringe at the thought of the unfinished quilt for my daughter, because I promised it to her and to myself a long time ago. This list is longer than both of the other two combined.
Basically, I live my life imprisoned by my own laziness. I blame technology, or rather my addiction to it. Reading a book on my computer can obliterate any desire to get off of the couch to complete anything on any of my lists. The book must be finished! I have read until 5:00 in the morning. Which of course then requires me sleeping until 10:00 the next day. Which means I start the next day behind and I'm so tired I can't function well enough to be productive. I can easily spend 2 hours on Pinterest pinning things I have yet to actually make. I have 90 some boards and follow 71 people. I read Facebook posts for hours, all to avoid my lists.
The thing is I hate to plan. When I plan, it is a sure thing I will fail. I won't be able to accomplish everything I planned and the feeling of failure is too hard. My doctor would say, "What are you, five?" Why am I acting like a five year old, saying I'm afraid of failing? It is an ongoing struggle, but I am making progress. I stop reading when it is time to go to bed. I wash that dish right away. I refuse to sleep in, no matter what time I made it to bed the night before (or morning). When I fail, it's not the end of the world. I start fresh the next day.
